My Shirt that Says, "I'm Not Okay"

These vintage IU sweatshirts were Dave's Christmas gifts to all his sisters at Christmas 2016. He was so proud of himself for thinking of this gift because he was recreating a photo from when we were little of all us in IU sweatshirts.

With all the layers of grief as we miss my brother David this Christmas season, it's hard to know what to think or say. I woke up on Christmas morning feeling really sad. I thought about not getting out of bed for the whole day, but I did. The weather was so nice, and the sun was shining so I took a walk outside to help me calm my heart before I faced the day. I asked God to tell Dave how much I love and miss him and how much we wish we could see him and hear his laugh this Christmas.  
I wrote the following words a few months ago and decided I wanted to post it today because it rings true especially for this season. 

Someone put a gift bag in my mailbox with a shirt that says, “I’m not okay” on the front and “I’m still mad” on the back. It was so kind of this mysterious gift-giver to give this to me because that’s what I kept feeling in the months after my brother died. 

In Jewish culture, widows wear black for a year to help people know to understand why she might be downcast and to treat her with care. In biblical times, people would often tear their robes to show their sorrow, and sometimes they would even shave their head and put ashes on their face in an expression of their grief. 
So I’ve been wearing my shirt that says, “I’m not okay,” and for some reason, that helps. 
It’s hard to answer the question, “How are you?” It’s a common question that we all ask each other, but sometimes it’s really hard to know how to answer. 

The truth is… 

I’m not okay, I want to scream, I want to throw things,
I’m hurting, I’m tired.
I’m learning to live with the pain. 


I’m lamenting, and I’m worshiping.
I’m celebrating good moments, and I’m crying on the way home.
I’m learning to live with the pain.


I’m crushed, but I’m not giving up.
I’m overwhelmed, but I’m trying to do the next right thing. 
I’m learning to live with the pain.


I’m not the same,
I’m no longer innocent to the taste of death,
I’m loosening my grip on the things I thought I could control,
I’m laying down plans I thought I had,
I’m learning to live with the pain.


I’m not as self-sufficient now.
I’m just a vulnerable sheep, and the Lord is my Shepherd.
I’m following my Good Shepherd each day, each hour, each step, each breath,
I’m relying on Him for every little step because I feel lost and weak, and life doesn’t make any sense anymore. 


But I’m also BLESSED. 
The Bible tells us “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” 
God is a God of COMFORT, so I get to experience this fully now. 
There is COMFORT in God’s presence, so that’s where I want to be more than ever.
That’s where there is true peace, 
True rest,
True warmth and light.
The hope of heaven fills my heart.
“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.”