Hello, friends, 
Many of you have heard that my 28-year-old brother David passed away on May 31 due to complications following open heart surgery. It was completely unexpected and incredibly shocking and tragic. I still can’t even believe that I am typing these words. I still can’t believe that he’s not here.

I hope to write so much more in the coming months about Dave’s life. I want to share so many things that Dave taught me. I want to brag on him and let everyone know how he was the best brother. 

But every time I sit down at my laptop, I just cry. The ache of missing him is so deep.

But today, I believe God prompted me to share one of the lessons that I’m learning as I grieve….

Recently, I blurted out to my mom and my sisters and sister-in-law, “I want a shirt that says on the front, ‘I’m not okay.’ And on the back, I want it to say, ‘I’m still mad.’”

Feeling anger is part of grieving. For me, I get sudden urges to just scream or beat my fists against the ground or a wall. I usually hold that in, but the anger that Dave isn’t here rises in me every day.

As a family, we’re still trying to eat meals together often. We talk about David, about our memories of him, about everything we love about him. We talk about heaven. We know now in an even deeper way that our citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20). We talk about God. We know God is good, God is loving, and God has a plan for redeeming all things. All of our hope is in Jesus. We don’t know why this has happened, but we still love Jesus with everything we have. 

But I still feel like I want to wear a t-shirt that says: 
“I’m not okay.”
“I’m still mad.”

I can still play with my nieces and nephews. I can still baby-talk to my dog. I can still celebrate Gabby’s birthday, and I can still chat with Anna about the things going on in her life. I can still have joy in the middle of my sorrow, but if I’m honest, I just want to tell people:
“I’m not okay.”
“I’m still mad.”

In July I had 6 of my nieces and nephews have a sleepover at my house. Ever since I built my house, having a cousin sleepover at my house has been a summer tradition that my nephews always remind me of. This summer the youngest who came was Jozi. Jozi is 6 years old, and she stayed up late watching movies with the rest of her cousins. 
But the next day, the late night had an effect on her. I was with Jozi and the other kids in my parents’ pool swimming. I was remembering all the times Dave swam with us in the pool. The kids were running and jumping into the pool, and it made me remember Dave as a 10-year-old, running and jumping into the pool like that with our cousins Josh and Philip.

Then I thought of the last few summers when we’d be in the pool with the kids, and Dave would come walking out of the sunroom with his swim towel. The kids would cheer because they were excited that Uncle Dave had come outside to play with them. I can see the way he walked on the deck and the way he would start joking with the kids. As an adult, he would still often jump into the pool—preferring to do a cannonball instead of just walking down the steps. He knew he would make the biggest splash, and he wanted to make an entrance. I think too that when he saw his older sisters trying to float on rafts, he loved that his big splash would get them wet and disturb their peace. I can still see his grin as he came up out of the water and the twinkle in his eyes as he looked at us, knowing he had gotten us all wet. He loved for us to yell, “Daaaave!” in the way we always did when he did something mischievous. 

My 3-year-old niece Bailey wanted me to throw her in the air and then splash in the water, and it struck me that if Dave were here, I would have said to Bailey, “Go ask Uncle Dave. He’s stronger than me.” And Dave would have puffed his chest, probably would have started talking in a silly, deep, Schwarzenegger-type voice saying that he was so strong and would throw her up so high. The kids would just giggle and giggle at their Uncle Dave.
I remembered last year in the pool, Dave played the basketball game of horse with Gabby and me. If he air-balled it, he would play it off, and Gabby would laugh at him. He was commentating on each of our shots because he always gave good commentary on any game he played. :) 

Then Jozi started crying because the bigger kids were playing a game in the pool, and she wasn’t a good enough swimmer yet to keep up with it. I knew she was crying because she was so tired from our sleepover the night before. Jozi wanted me to hold her, so I held her as she cried, and then I gave in and started crying too. I missed Dave so much, and it hurt so bad to think of having days like this without him.

It hurts so bad to think of doing anything without him. How is this even real?

Shout

As I said before, usually at some point each day, I feel the urge to scream and beat my fists against something. I have cried to God many times that I don’t understand why this happened, but my anger is not towards God. My hope is in God. I know God’s heart is good, I know He is a loving Father, I know Dave is in the presence of God now.
 
To be honest, I’m not really sure who or what I am angry at. I am just angry that my brother is no longer here with us on earth. I am angry that there is so much brokenness in the world. 
  
A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law Stephanie sent us the link to a song in our family group text. The song was “Alive” by Kim Walker-Smith. One day I was driving in my car, and I began crying, telling God for the thousandth time that I would have gladly died in my brother’s place. I would have done anything, including giving my own life, for Dave to not have passed away. I turned on the song “Alive," and I played that song about 5 times in a row, turning the volume all the way up. I sang as loudly as I could. As I sang, I felt the Holy Spirit encourage me to let those yells from my anger and grief out. I could shout with this song because it declares Jesus’ victory over death. 

Because Jesus is alive, my brother is alive in Christ in heaven. 

In the chorus and bridge, it says, 

We will make him known,
Jesus is alive,
He’s alive.
We will shout it out, 
Jesus is alive, 
He’s alive.

It may get loud,
The grave is empty now.

I felt the Holy Spirit say to me that I can use my anger to fearlessly stand against Satan’s schemes. I can use my anger to be bold in carrying the kingdom of heaven to others. God reminded me again that I am a citizen of heaven. My brother is a citizen in heaven and is already living in heaven. I am a citizen of heaven, but I’m still living on earth. 

I’ll have more to say tomorrow.
Love,
Mary
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*If you'd like to listen to the song I referenced, here is the link:
"Alive" by Kim Walker Smith

    Since I was a child, I have always enjoyed reading. But now as a single mom of teenagers, reading is a positive way for me to cope with stress and also receive wisdom and inspiration.
    It’s an inexpensive form of self-care for me.  :)
    Here are most of the books I read in 2018. I hope at least one of these might be a good resource for you!

1.) Daring to Hope: Finding God’s Goodness in the Broken and the Beautiful by Katie Davis Majors

I read Katie’s first book when it came out a few years ago. This is her second book, and it is a beautiful continuation of her story and the lessons she has learned in Uganda. Her example inspires me to love others sacrificially, to reach out of my comfortable life and make the most of it. When I look at her life, I am challenged to drop all my excuses that hinder me from doing more to help others.

 2.) If You Only Knew: My Unlikely, Unavoidable Story of Becoming Free by Jamie Ivey

I LOVE listening to Jamie Ivey’s podcast (“The Happy Hour”) almost every week, so I wanted to read her book when it came out in January. I admire Jamie’s heart and her authenticity in sharing her experience of how God has set her free from the shame she carried in her life. If You Only Knew is an important book not only because it offers grace for all of us who carry burdens that we don’t want others to know about, but also because it encourages loving responses when others confess hard things to us. Perhaps my favorite part of the book is when Jamie confesses her past sins to her new boyfriend (who would eventually become her husband). Her boyfriend’s forgiving response to her should be the model for how we receive our loved ones when they confess their sins to us.

3.) Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families by Jayne E. Schooler, Betsy Keefer Smalley, Timothy J. Callahan

As a foster and adoptive mom, I found this book to be comforting. Most books that I have read on fostering/adoption are focused on the child’s experience, but this book gives more attention to the parent’s experience. I found the insights in each chapter to be incredibly helpful and true to life. I asked my mom to read it too! This is a little more academic writing compared to the previous memoirs I listed, but it’s still an accessible read. 

4.) From Basement to Sanctuary: Finding Healing and Transformation through Surrender by Holly Christine Hayes

I heard Holly speak on Jamie Ivey’s podcast and decided to read her book. Holly is very genuine as she tells her story. Holly became addicted to alcohol as a teenager, and the circumstances in her life grew worse and worse until she cried out to God on the floor of a public restroom. Holly experienced homelessness and abuse, but she shares about how Jesus pursued her heart, and little by little, she grew to love Him. She had stolen a Bible from a library at one point, but she started reading it. She gave her life to Christ. She didn’t go to church at the time, so she didn’t realize that she could get baptized in a local church. But she read in the Bible that when people decided to follow Jesus, they got baptized in the Jordan River. So she traveled from California to Israel to be baptized in the Jordan River. I love how Holly describes her journey of healing through Jesus.  

5.) No One Ever Asked by Katie Ganshert

I read this novel this summer, and it’s one of the best fictional books that I’ve read in a long time! I thoroughly enjoyed every page of this novel. I loved exploring the different perspectives of the three main characters amidst the racial tension in their community. Near the end, there is a conversation between a young teacher and her mother about forgiveness, and that beautiful dialogue alone was worth reading the whole book. I highly recommend this book. Please, please, please make this the next fiction book you read! 

6.) The Art of Losing Yourself by Katie Ganshert

This is another fictional book by the same author. It was not as good as No One Ever Asked, but it was still a pleasant read. I took it to the beach with me when we went to Indiana Dunes, and it was a great easygoing book to enjoy that day!

7.) Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Traumatized Children (Third Edition) by Daniel A. Hughes

This book fascinates me. It was definitely not a quick read; it was one that I read slowly and underlined lots of lines to remember for later. It was written by a child psychologist who has worked with many children in foster care. Each chapter has two parts. The first part of the chapter is a fictional story of a child named Katie; the second part of each chapter is the psychologist’s commentary of what is happening in the child’s mind and body. The book starts when Katie’s biological mother is pregnant with her and follows every step of her childhood until she is adopted at age 8. It includes the trauma that Katie endured and her reactions to it. It shows the perspectives of Katie’s biological parents, her child services case manager, her different foster parents, her therapist, etc. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this book. I’ll be referring back to in years to come.    

8.) Chasing Slow: Courage to Journey off the Beaten Path by Erin Loechner

This book took me months to read. I would pick it up and then forget about it for a few weeks. The author is a stylist and has made a lot of success through blogging and showcasing her home decor projects. She and her husband lived in Los Angelos for awhile. She writes about her journey of wanting to slow down her pace in life, of letting go of her drive to always succeed at more, and of pursuing minimalism and gratitude in life. She shares her personal stories of her husband’s brain tumor, her father-in-law’s death, her “online presence,” and her adjustment in having a baby and becoming a mom. Sometimes I felt like I couldn’t relate to how she felt about something, but usually I absolutely loved the points she was making. I think she has some important things to share with this generation about not losing our identity in social media and the pursuit of more and better. Also, her writing style and the book’s layout are pretty cool. Sometimes it felt more like a meaningful magazine. :) 

9.) Hope in the Dark: Believing God is Good When Life Is Not by Craig Groeschel 

I enjoyed this book and recommend it. Pastor Craig taught about the story of Habakkuk in the Bible as he related it to modern stories of what people endure today. I was reading it during a week where we had some difficult things happening, so it was the perfect encouragement for me at the time. I had it on my kindle, and I remember one night I couldn’t fall asleep because I was worried. I read this book on my kindle in the dark that whole night, and it brought a lot of comfort to my heart. Pastor Craig has a sermon series about this on youtube that you can check out as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGmABuH0sa0.  

 10.) Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely (Study Guide) by Lysa TerKeurst

I read this book with my bible study group on Thursday mornings. It goes with a teaching DVD by Lysa TerKeurst. The chapters help the reader consider the emotions that arise when someone rejects us in some way. I’ll be honest and tell you that the title didn’t appeal to me, but once I read some of the first chapter, I realized that we we all deal with being rejected. Rejection can be a huge trigger for our emotions, and if we want to be mature as we walk through challenges in life, we need to figure out how to handle all types of rejections. I thought the DVD teachings plus the study guide material were extremely insightful. I’m going to go back to Lysa’s teaching in this book and DVD for my personal reference and also to share with others.

11.) She is Yours: Trusting God as You Raise the Girl He Gave You by Jonathan and Wynter Pitts

I skimmed this book quickly and mostly focused on the prayers at the end of each chapter. Even though I didn’t read every word, I loved the theme of the book and how the authors focused on always having the attitude that their daughter is God’s first. I picked up the book one day when I was feeling like my girls are growing up so fast and don’t need me for the same things that they needed me for last year (Gabby has her driver’s license and a car now!). I loved the reminder that I can trust God to watch over my girls and work in their hearts (even when I’m not with them).

12.) Calming Angry Kids: Help and Hope for Parents in the Whirlwind by Tricia Goyer

The author Tricia Goyer has 9 kids. She has adopted 6 of her children, and she wrote this book out of her experience. The trauma her children have been through has caused them to carry a lot of anger. In order to help her children heal and bring peace back to her home, she researched, went to family counseling with her kids, and adjusted her methods. This book is really an accessible resource for parents. She does a good job of simply explaining biological and psychological effects of trauma on children. I enjoyed hearing some of her journey and particularly how she humbled herself to take responsibility of her own anger. She emphasized that calming our kids first starts with calming ourselves. In those angry moments, we as parents have to handle our anger appropriately before we can help our kids to handle theirs. I have experienced this to be 100% true in my parenting. Tricia shares some practical tools to help calm our kids, listen to what is hurting them to discover the reasons behind the anger, and how to help them feel seen and heard and safe.

13.) Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World by Bob Goff 

This book came out in 2012, and I have probably had at least a dozen people recommend it to me since then. I heard Bob Goff speak live twice since then, and I loved the way he spoke with such contagious joy. I finally bought it to read on my Kindle, and I have to say that I laugh quite a bit in almost every single chapter. Bob demonstrates how to live out our faith with actions of love and joy. He is the opposite of a boring Christian. He seizes opportunities and is making a wonderful impact around the world. This is a good book for everyone!

14.) It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered by Lysa TerKeurst 

This is Lysa’s story of walking through her husband’s affair and her cancer diagnosis and treatments. She doesn’t try to spend a lot of time giving readers too many details of what her husband did, and she doesn’t try to cast blame on him. Instead, she focuses on how she felt and what helped her through it. At the end of each chapter, she gives main points to remember, a Bible verse to focus on, and reflection questions to consider. This isn’t just a book to inspire us from Lysa’s experience, but it’s also a book that gives solid wisdom from someone who has walked through this. This would be a great gift for someone going through something difficult. Also, after reading the book, you should listen to Lysa in interviews and in her social media posts to see the wonderful things that God is doing in her family now.
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15.) Indestructible: Leveraging Your Broken Heart to Become a Force of Love & Change in the World by Allison Fallon​

I read this book in two days. It’s a true story, but it felt as engaging as fiction because Allison is a great storyteller. I met Ally about 4 years ago at a writer’s conference, and I was interested when I saw she was releasing this book. This is the story of Ally’s journey of coming to realize that the marriage she was in was abusive and how she decided to get out of it. I sense that Ally is in an ongoing search to find what is healthy for her. I’m proud of her for writing this. This is a book that I’d like to discuss with some friends in a book club or something. :)